


Stuck between a rock and a hard place

by pixiedurango



Series: The Arya Trevelyan Files [9]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Awkward Flirting, F/M, Feels, Flirting, Love Triangles, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-08
Updated: 2015-07-08
Packaged: 2018-04-08 07:14:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4295523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pixiedurango/pseuds/pixiedurango
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After coming back from the Western Approach Arya Trevelyan has to face the fact that she obviously is in love with two men.<br/>Her feelings for Cullen still linger in her head and heart no matter how much she loves Blackwall... time for a chat with her best friend.</p><p>___________________________________________</p><p>please note and understand: Arya is in a relationship with Blackwall. But she is also in love with Cullen. This love triangle thing is part of her personal story.<br/>So far we will always only meet one of the men in one story/chapter. That may or may not change in the future.<br/>If you are not ok with love triangles of any kind (or for one of the characters involved in here), just go on this time and wait for more Arya/Blackwall exclusive stuff.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Put this in 3 chapters.
> 
> First: Arya and Blackwall  
> Second: Arya and Cullen  
> Third: Friends talk with Dorian

Working their way through the deserts of the western approach had taken more time and effort they all had estimated. It was a lot of hard work and even more bloody fights and dreadful losses. Weeks and weeks they slept in dirty tents and literally never got rid of the sand and blood sticking on their clothes and on their bodies until the rough work was done. It took some extra time to gather enough troops and make up a valid strategy to conquer the griffon-wing-keep. It was a cruel siege with some painful sacrifices until Arya finally raised the Inquisition-Flag on the battlements.

Then, during an unfortunate incident with a darkspawn ambush, Blackwall was heavily injured and it had cost them several more weeks before he finally he could be on a horseback again without too much pain.

By that time they decided to return to Skyhold.

 

Arya became quieter and quieter the closer they came back to the keep.

There had been notes been coming with the usual reports. Sometimes, a few scribbled words on the border of reports. Sometimes a short letter. Cullen had tried to stay reasonable but he had started writing little notes about personal matters. She knew she should have ignored them from the start but she had been weak, too. So they had started to exchange bittersweet notes, desperately trying not being carried away in a rush of yearning and hoping that no one would find out about it.

Now, when the mounts finally crossed the drawbridge on one clear blue morning just after dawn she caught herself searching the yards and battlements for Cullens frame.

He was nowhere to be seen.

Arya sighed and decided it was not the baddest thing, that Cullen had not shown up to welcome them like almost everyone else on Skyhold.

She would have to see him early enough because she would have to hand over some personal reports from Rylen and some other stuff they need to talk over in preparation for the upcoming war table meetings.

Alone the thought of returning to Skyhold had made all the weird feelings for the Commander coming back.

And what startled her most was that this longing did not collide with her feelings for Blackwall. He always was her most trusted companion in every fight. They spent their nights together, she simply loved having him around. The days after the disaster where Blackwall almost had fallen, she had spend at his side. Never moving an inch from him and in genuine fear that he could pass and she had to live on without him on her side.

Arya had realized that she had developed some really serious feelings for the Grey Warden and they were far beyond mere sexual desire. Most of the time they were too exhausted anyway to spend their short nights other than sleeping - not to speak about his injuries So most of the time they went only for some kisses, cuddling and a some talk before falling asleep. But they had a little inside joke about returning to Skyhold, locking the doors to her chambers and fuck for 3 days in a row and she intended to make it true someday just for the fun of it.

Of course Blackwall had sensed, that something had changed but when she gave no answer while he asked on a few occasions, he stopped questioning. He already knew his lady good enough to not insist when she closed down. And after all who was he, to drain answers from anybody while literally choking on his own secrets.

They left their mounts to the care of Master Dennet and Arya took the opportunity to thank her party for the good work in this mission as she always used to do and invited them for the evening into the tavern. Bull and Varric nodded approvingly and made their way to their quarters to take some rest after the long and hard journey.

Blackwall did not turn away. He remained standing in front of her watching her closely.

„You alright, my lady?” he asked once more in a gentle voice. His hand - still in his gauntlet - caressed her cheek carefully. She noted well, that he had gone back from ‘Filly’ to the formal ‘my lady’ as if he was unsure what she’d expected from him now that they were back to the keep under the eyes of everybody.

„Just tired.” she replied reluctant. „I need a bath, fresh clothes, some fresh fruits and a proper bed for at least ten hours. But before I get all this I’ll have to do some work.”

„You must take more care for yourself. The Inquisition can wait for its mighty Inquisitor until tomorrow morning. Take this day off.” he answered but she shook her head.

„I know you mean well, Blackwall, and you may even be right, but I’ll have to deliver some major reports before I can think of rest.” Arya sighed and leaned onto the warriors chest wrapping her arms around him.

He smiled and also slung his arms around her. „I guess I don’t have to ask anymore how you wish me to behave around you now that we are... well... _closer_...”

She chuckled against his chest. „Blackwall, as long as you do not try to get me laid right on the throne everything you do is fine.”

The warrior laughed. „You crazy thing. And I bet I shall not try the throne because you would go for it...”

„You know me too well.” Arya looked up smiling and their lips met for a soft kiss. „But for now let me go so I get done what has to be done. We can meet later if you want. I recall we have rescued some nice bottles out there in that ruins.”

„With pleasure, Filly” and with one last kiss he turned away and headed towards the stables. She knew he would help Master Dennet with the mounts before he would allow himself rest and she smiled in appreciation. 

 

Up on the battlements, unrecognized by anyone, Cullen sighed and leaned his forehead against the cold stone for a moment. The moment he had feared and had wished for so desperately had come and nothing had changed. She was so close now and also out of any reach for him. He finally straightened his back and returned into his office to resume his duties. Work seemed the best way to find any distraction.

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the letters mentioned in this chapter can be found under the title
> 
> "Letters to the Western Approach and back – in which a Commander and an Inquisitor try to stay reasonable and fail gloriously"
> 
> in my AO3

Arya have had her bath and her fresh clothes and she was nibbling nervously on a red apple while she was heeding towards Cullens Office an hour later. Her heart was pounding fast and she tried hard not letting show  _how_ nervous she was.

She wanted to get done with this. Getting it out of her head and her heart. Or not? She was not sure.

The Commander was alone, when she entered after a brief knock on the door. Sitting at his desk, studying some maps and scrolls.

„Ary... Inquisitor!” Cullen jumped up came around the desk almost running towards her. For one moment his eyes lit up and he was close to let go and wrapping his arms around her before he managed to hide his feelings again behind the professional mask. He stopped almost in the middle of his motion and stood still. His amber eyes scanned her as if he could find the answer how to proceed.

„Cullen.” she smiled distanced. „I did not want to disturb you. I just have the reports and letters from Rylen that are important enough to bother you here and distract you from your work.”

„Of course... Good you are back. And bringing this letters. And yourself... of course...” He rubbed his neck with his right hand as usual when he was nervous. „Hope you are well after the long time in the western approach. At least you look like you are... well. As far as I heard, your missions were successful. I can’t wait to have you... errrrmmm... telling me more about it.” Happy to have found a somewhat professional subject to talk about but not happy for being incapable of keeping it as professional as he would have preferred.

She piled the scrolls and letters she had brought on his desk then resumed to eat her apple pretending to be in full charge of the situation.

„I’m fine, Cullen. And you don’t have to be so nervous. I will not jump on you to bang you on your own desk.”

He laughed an unhappy little laugh.

„Maybe this would make it easier than standing here with you like that...”

„Ah come on, Cullen. This is not how you.... ummm... what you want. And me neither.” She threw the apple core out of the window, happy to be allowed to turn away for a second and breathe.

The Commander sighed and gave her some puppy-eyes.

„Of course, Arya, you are right. We already discussed that. We have to be professional about it. It was hard, seeing you leave the way you left after what happened. But I tried to understand. I missed having you around. I always miss you when you are on a mission. And I worry about you... But after what happened that night... This time I missed you more... Worried more. And...” his voice almost faded when he continued: „sometimes I wish we would not have decided to stay reasonable.” she raised a brow but remained silent and he hurried to speak on, trying to assure them both that everything was fine. „Anyway I think you made the right decision to bring some distance between us. I should not have started writing those letters to you.”

„Maybe I should not have replied the way I have. Who knows.” she gave back and shrugged making it sound more neglectful than she actually felt about it.

„I did not send half of what I’ve written. And your replies to the ones I actually sent were all appropriate and professional.” He did not tell her, that he kept hidden her letters in a box next to his bed and read them nearly every night before he fell into an unresting sleep. He felt that admitting he had spend so much time and effort into writing this notes would be like scratching on the wounds. Cullen tried to be reasonable again: „As a templar I was trained to control my feelings and just because I am no templar anymore does not mean I cannot maintain this control. No matter what I wish. Or dream.” He shook his head. This already had begun to sound awkward again... but he could not help but speaking it out loud: „But now that you are back again I see that nothing has changed for me. I still want you like I did before.”

She sighed.

„I had the hope that being far from each other for some time would make it easier for both of us once I return. I must admit it did not work. Neither for you nor for me as it seems. The moment we were on our way back home, my feelings for you were back all in a sudden and it really wrecks my nerves.”

They stood in front of each other, arms folded in front of their chests keeping their distance to stay safe.

„May I ask...” Cullen started, then stopped. Unsure how to put his question right. And even though he already assumed what the answer would be. But he had to hear it from her. „You and the Warden...” he finally left it vaguely up to her what to make out of the not asked question.

Arya slightly shook her head.

„Nothing has changed. Well _almost_ nothing.” she would not tell Cullen right into his face, that she and Blackwall were now sleeping together. He would learn it anyway for gossip would spread faster than ravens flew but she would not throw the details on him personally to rub it into his face. „You should not ask any further. But yes, we are still together.”

„Well, should I say congratulations then?” Arya was not sure if it was frustration or sarcasm in Cullens voice.

„I don’t know. I am still not clear how I got into all this mess with you and him at the same time and what it _is_ that is happening to me here. _Makers balls_ , I don’t even know what to think about _my self_ anymore. I came here to make my reports and get prepared for the war table meeting and we end up wanting to rip each others clothes off and make out right here on your desk while at the same time I have feelings for another man, too. This cannot continue like this!”

And with this she turned around and literally ran out of his office.

Cullen stood there for a few moments longer before he turned around, went to the window and stared outside for a long time, forehead leaning against the mullion.


	3. Chapter 3

 

Arya returned to her chambers without stopping by her friends. Usually she would have visited at least Dorian to get an update on Skyholds gossip but she was both, exhausted and agitated so she went directly to the staircase which led up to her private place.

Shaken from her feelings and the talk she just had with the Commander, she locked the door to prevent any disturbances and threw herself onto her bed. She was not sure if she was angry or sad or just horny or a little bit of everything.

She was deadly tired but she could not stop musing and so she finally gave up forcing herself into sleep. She sat up, stuffed a pillow to her back and tried to think reasonable thoughts.

What was she about to do? Was that really her? Running around breaking hearts just for some lust?

~ ~ ~

At some point she must have been fallen asleep because she woke up curled around one of her pillows when she felt a little magic itch between her eyes. Arya opened her eyes feeling a bit dizzy and disorientated looking around puzzled until she remembered she was back at Skyhold and in her rooms.

The tingling sensation between her eyes reoccurred and she sat up.

Half a minute later it knocked on her door and she went to open it.

„Dorian! I would not have opened if I didn’t know it was you! Come in.” A bright smile lightened up her face when they embraced and hold each other for a long moment. The dark-haired mage was her best friend within the Inquisition and she had missed him during the long time in the western approach.

„See, that’s why I announced myself, honeybun. All this sparkly magic must be good for something at last. Had breakfast already?” the Tevene held up a plate with a pile of little cakes dripping from syrup and full of raisins and followed her upstairs into her room.

„An apple earlier today but I don’t think I’m too hungry.” she shrugged.

„Ah, wait until you taste them. This cute little bakers apprentice made them just for me this morning.” The handsome mage chuckled and placed his self comfortably on her bed, his back leaning against the wooden bed-head.

„So you found some distraction beside drinking, playing chess and hanging around the library?” she mocked him while she was setting up her kettle for brewing some tea over the fireplace.

„And you, honeybun?” he asked and she snapped back:

„What about me?”

„Well, I thought you would be a bit more... _relaxed_... after you finally get it on with our warden... To be frank, you look terrible, sweetheart.” Arya came over to the huge bed with to mugs of steaming tea and handed one over to her friend. Dorian patted on the space next to him to invite her to sit. „Come on, you still need some more rest. I’ll stay and chat a while if you want. Or I will listen. It’s up to you. Anyway I am awfully happy that you are back and in one piece.”

She climbed onto the bed and leaned her head against his shoulder. The mage sighed and wrapped one arm around her.

„So bad?” he asked smiling after a while of silence.

„Worse...” she mumbled and he let out a small laughter.

„Ah, come on... there are hundreds of rifts out there, darkspawn and demons and some crazy Tevinter cultists... what can be worse?” Dorian took a sip of his tea and munched away one of the juicy cakes in one bite.

She just sighed.

„If it were this I at least would know how to deal with it...”

„Then let me take a lucky guess: Love issues. It’s always love issues.” the mage chuckled. „kingdoms were raised and have fallen upon love issues!”

„You are right...”

„Of course I am. Now do you wanna tell me the rest of the story? It cannot be that our warden is a lousy lover. You would have thrown him out of your tent at once...” A mocking smile appeared in Dorians voice.

Arya was already about giving a quirky reply when she hesitated.

„Wait a minute, Dorian. How the fuck you already know of Blackwall sleeping in my tent? We just arrived at dawn...”

„Right in time for a good-morning-ale for the Iron Bull to keep me informed...”

„You nosy chatter-box.” Arya giggled and Dorian knew she was not mad at him. „And Bull will get his ass kicked for telling anyway!”

„So honeybun, now we are clear on that, what’s bothering you so much?”

„I’ve got a crush on Cullen...”

„So?” Dorian raised one of his well shaped eyebrows obviously not getting the point.

„I mean a real bad crush. Like an ‘I wanna rip down his clothes and bang him right on his desk’-crush.”

„Does he know?”

„Yup.” she selected one of the cakes and took a hearty bite.

„How does he feel about it?” Dorian was obviously amused.

„Same...” Arya licked the syrup from her hand and shrugged.

„Makers Breath, girl, don’t let me worm everything out of you! So you want him, he wants you... where’s the fucking issue here... literally...”

„Blackwall... I love him.” The silence was almost palpable when she realized what she just confessed. What her heart had made her speak out loud.

„Andrastes golden knickers...” Dorian chuckled. „You really do, don’t you? And I bet our honorable warden does know nothing.”

„Nope...”

„You southerners sometimes are so cute in your clumsiness when it comes to objectionable desires and unhealthy passions...” Dorian smirked.

„Look who’s talking...” Arya teased back.

„No, honestly, honeybun. Why don’t you just do what you desire and keep it secret? I understand that we are talking about lust. So why not go and fuck and be fine.”

„Because there is never coming anything good from evil doing.” she replied with a severe voice. „And doing things secretly among your friends... the people you consider your chosen family. It cannot lead to anything good beside the few moments of lust.”

Dorian raised an eyebrow again.

„Family... big word for a bunch of apostates, mercenaries, obscure dwarves, former lyrium-addicts, lonely wardens and other strange folks.”

„You mean like Tevinter Mages? Yeah! I’ve heard they can be problematic...“ She briefly grinned but became serious again when she resumed: „But nevertheless... the people who have gathered here may all be obscure but they are all already closer to me than the Trevelyans will ever be. I just want to avoid to risk this whole Inquisition thing for some... you know what.”

„Ha... Coming of ages as it seems, honeybun.”

„Again, look who’s talking!”

Dorian acted dramatically being pierced by an arrow in the heart and both laughed. Then the mage became serious for a moment and looked into her eyes.

„Arya listen. You know that I am always in for a good laugh and making fun out of every situation. But you need also to know that I appreciate a great deal what you are doing here. That you took me in without hesitation not even knowing me or my intentions. You were there for me with no questions and no reservations. You are over all doing an incredible job for this Inquisition. Giving everyone a chance who asks you for and always trying hard making the things _right_ again. You had to deal with some nasty stuff and had ugly decisions to make. You _deserve_ good things. And you have the right to find yourself some love and happiness. You will do the right thing. I am sure of that. And that big hairy man shall call himself the luckiest bastard that you love him so much that you think yourself crazy for wanting to taste more than one candystick at a time... ”

„You dirty dirty mind!”Arya chuckled then leaned her forehead against his. „Thank you Dorian. I deeply appreciate that. Without friends like you all this would not be possible to do for me. I think I would have already packed my things and have disappeared somehow pretending just being some Apostate like all the others, trying desperately hiding this green thing on my hand.”

„So enough of glorification speeches for today...” the mage fell back into his usual mocking tone. „Now back to business. I suggest, you, My Lady get some rest to restore your shiny self while I need to do some important... errrm... research work at the bakery. Deal?”

She nodded with a tired but amused smile and Dorian got up. With a last wave he entered the staircase and disappeared within seconds. Arya still smiled and stretched out on the bed. It had been good to speak some things out loud. At least she was able to find some rest now and hoped she would find a way to deal with her emotional mess later.

 

 

 


End file.
